In fifty-five days, I board a plane bound for Kathmandu, Nepal (well, Seattle –> LA –> Hong-Kong –> Kathmandu, but that’s beside the point).

Never before have my thoughts been so consumed with the future, not in this sense anyway. Moving across the world, and all the things I have to do in the next fifty-plus days to prepare for such (vaccinations, selling my things, deciding what to keep and store, etc. etc.), are all I think about. I’m dizzy with it. 

And while I am very excited for this looming chapter, I am also utterly terrified. 

That fear has been keeping me awake at night, so I figured I’d start writing about it. When I am grasping for something solid to hold onto, writing is there. 

In therapy, I’ve been practicing allowing myself to notice when feelings arise, but instead of trying to judge them or make them go away, I observe them, the way one watches a current in a river. I’m not perfect at this new exercise, and more times than not, I find myself fighting against whatever comes up. But when I am successful in letting myself be, I notice how much better I feel, simply by existing and observing. My body is relaxed; my mind is quieter and suddenly that fear doesn’t seem so scary or big. It’s just another feeling in the mix of them, passing me by in the current. Emotions aren’t negative or positive; we attach those connotations to them. But in their essence, emotions just are. The less power we give them, the less of a hold they have on our lives.

In addition to trying to observe and not judge, I challenge these fearful thoughts with positive ones. What if I break a leg while trekking in the Himalayas? Well, what if I don’t? What’s the more likely scenario to happen? Obviously bad things occur all the time, but good things happen too, arguably at the same rate or maybe even more often, we just don’t focus on those because it’s easier to give into the fear, the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Isn’t that interesting? 

When those what-ifs pop into my brain like gophers darting up out of the ground, I remind myself that I am capable of handling adverse situations should they arise. I am capable.

Giving up a comfy life for one where I’ll struggle like I never have before is a huge thing. A life-altering thing. If I wasn’t afraid, it’d only be because I was in denial. I truly believe I’m going to flourish and grow in ways I never have before. I’m going to be better because of this life-altering thing. I’m turning my life on its head for a reason. Good things don’t come easy. That’s how you know it’s a good thing. 

So in that vein of thought, I feel silly for being so afraid. I’m literally doing this to myself. Like watching a scary movie in the dark all alone. So I laugh about it because life is short and we take it too seriously. Yes, I’m afraid, so afraid that I want to cry and cancel my flight. On the other side of that fear is a little girl who is jumping up and down for joy at the prospect of living out a version of her life she never thought was possible. Fear is a cloud and soon the sunshine will come out again. 

Be afraid. Be happy. Be silly. Be angry or sad or excited or whatever the hell you want to feel. Acknowledge it. Give it a hug, a handshake. Sit with it. Feelings are information and we can learn a lot from them if we listen. Just don’t get stuck there. You have the power to get up and find another seat.