I’m moving—
Welp. I really dropped the ball on posting one blog a week. OOPS. I’ve had my reasons for it, though. I’ve been consumed with thinking about one thing and not much else. But I couldn’t talk about that one thing until I got other things rolling. Because it was scary to talk about out loud! But now things are rolling and in 94 days, I will leave for Kathmandu, Nepal, to begin traveling across Asia for an undetermined amount of time.
*Cue panicked/excited shriek.
Traveling/living abroad has been a dream of mine since I was little, but up until now, I never thought it was possible for me.
In February, I went to Guatemala for two weeks. I started out in Antigua, an old city punctuated by bright buildings and cobblestone streets, and then went down to Panajachel, a busy hub along the Lake Atitlan coast crowded with markets and shops.
My time there was transformative. Every time I travel, there’s some kind of transformation that happens, but this trip was special. I think it sparked something in me that soon started to burn hot. I remember sitting on the rocky bank of Lake Atitlan while the waves crashed at my feet, and thinking, “I’m going to find a way to travel long-term.” The thought felt silly and overreaching but I figured I’d put it out into the universe anyway. See where it landed.
Then I came home and I dove right back into my life. A life that was growing stale. A life I was steadily growing dissatisfied with. Not in terms of my friends or hobbies or even where I lived. I just felt like I was floundering. Moving along aimlessly with zero direction. I was over the worst of the damage done by my divorce and now stood facing a future that was wide open. Wide open with nowhere to go.
Coming back from Guatemala made me feel homesick for something I couldn’t even point to. My mom said I seemed restless. I was. Restless, and like I didn’t fit in my own skin.
In April, my dog walker, who’d become a lovely friend by that point, said she’d take Magnus for a year if I wanted to do some traveling. The biggest obstacle to me leaving—taken care of. Boom, just like that. Immediately my mind began to imagine all the places I could go. And then it started to list all the reasons I couldn’t go: Money. Lack of security. What to do after the year is up? Magnus. My family. On and on. Other people got to travel the world. Other people had those opportunities. Not me.
But a seed was planted that day.
Over the next few months, the thought of traveling long-term bloomed bigger. I began to consider it. Followed by listing out all the reasons not to. Fear is just as powerful as a dream: they both don’t exist yet. So why do we give more power to fear? As adventurous as I am, as much as I crave a life beyond the 9-5 version I’d grown up with, I also crave security. Leaving behind a stable job and my life as it is is probably the least secure thing I could do.
But if I let fear dictate my life, I’ll end up with a mountain of regrets. Fuck that. Security is great, but not if it gets in the way of truly living. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “it is not the length in life, but the depth in life.” And that quote comes back to me often. So, here I was — at a crossroads. I could go down the road less traveled and set out to fulfill a lifelong dream, or continue along the way I was even though it wasn’t working for me anymore.
I’m choosing the road less traveled. I’m selling all of my belongings except for a box of books and setting out for quite literally the unknown. This decision is huge. This decision is going to impact the rest of my life in ways I can’t see yet.
And with this decision, a lot of feelings come up. I feel greedy for wanting more. I feel—guilty?— for this constant dissatisfaction. I feel wrong or different, somehow, because I have a good life here. A great community. Fun hobbies. I wish I could be satisfied with it all because that would be easier, wouldn’t it? Everyone else seems to be.
For the last few years, I have been trying to discern between contentment and complacency. The two often look the same, and if we’re careful, one will grow into the other. I kept telling myself that I was content, shutting out the nagging voice in the back of my mind that whispered otherwise. I just had my whole life uprooted when I got divorced. Did I really want to uproot it again?
I’m not being complacent, I told myself, I’m content.
I wasn’t. I’m not. I think all I was trying to do was fit myself into a box, a life that “should” be enough for me. But, like I’ve said before, I’m sick of the “shoulds.” I’m so sick of them.
We’ve all heard the saying: that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And in one sense, it’s true. If you aren’t happy in yourself, you won’t be happy anywhere. But sometimes, our little patch of grass grows stale and soggy despite our best efforts because we’re overwatering it. We shouldn’t stay in situations that don’t serve us anymore and yet we do. We stay because of money or stability or family or whatever the reason is why we tell ourselves it’s the right thing to do. Even if we don’t believe it or truly want it.
I want to live an extraordinary life. Saying that out loud sounds… cringy. Cliche? Like I’m a delusional dreamer? But what’s wrong with big dreams? I want to eke as much out of this life as I can because we only get one and it goes by very very fast.
So. I’m going to let my itchy feet guide me for a while.
In a lot of ways, I feel like my life has been leading up to this point, especially in the last few years. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that certain people come into your life for a reason. A few people have come into mine within the last few years and they might as well have a sign painted on their forehead that says: “I am going to help guide you in the direction you’re meant to be in.” Without those people, I don’t think I’d be 94 days away from moving across the world. And to those people, you know who you are, and I love you.
There are a hundred reasons to not do this. Countless what-ifs that multiply with each day. This could be a huge mistake. Or it could be the choice that puts me on the path I’ve always been meant to be on. Like Carrie Bradshaw (any Sex and the City fans out there?) said, “Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives?”
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to travel! Even if you have a good life here. You’re going to have a big adventure! And it’s going to be hard and exciting and fun and rewarding. Feel all the feels!
Very well said.
Jen. Having known you since birth I can tell you that I’m so proud of you. You are living your life with no boundaries! Enjoy each moment. Matt and I can’t wait to live vicariously through your stories ❤️